i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
