My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I currently don't understand fingers.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
