my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
