pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
