that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
