Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
