good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The best revenge is premature balding
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
