I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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