no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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