Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
nutella sex= disaster
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
