and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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