Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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