I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
