I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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