PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
