I CAN MOONWALK!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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