i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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