I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
