I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
