The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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