Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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