Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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