i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
