bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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