whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
