i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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