Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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