Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dignity is for republicans.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
