I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
