he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
