she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
