saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
