The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
