Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
