All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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