last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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