Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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