I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
