he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
