apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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