I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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