im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
