i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize