Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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