mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
