Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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