You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
