She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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