Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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