throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
