so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
