hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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