I am spending my child support on dildos
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
