I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
