i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
