she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
