It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
