Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
