the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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