can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
