Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
time to smoke my breakfast
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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