saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
